I saw myself at the altar

Today I saw myself at the altar. Kind of... But bear with me.

Before I continue I want to say that I am hesitant to talk about representation... As a white woman living in an affluent place, I see myself more often than others. I see myself in front facing, leadership roles far more than perhaps people of colour, working class women, and those with disabilities. So please understand that I see that white middle class women are far more represented than others. And *this* is where the Church desperately needs to improve.

Today, I saw myself at the altar. Today we are having a quiet day at my theological college - yeah me keeping quiet for a whole day, I know!!

Our speaker is the vicar of a wonderful local parish, she was the DDO, and she is a great inspiration to me.

I grew up/worked in/worshipped at traditional Anglo Catholic parishes, I was 23/24 before I ever attended a Eucharist celebrated by a woman (incidentally the same woman who said Mass today), and for many many years I knew God was calling me but I didn't know that if I answered there would be a place for me.

To be *very* clear, my time in traditional parishes was not a bad thing, it was tough at times to discern vocation there because I could not see myself, but I have learned from, built relationships with, and flourished because of those who cannot accept my (future) Priestly ministry, certainly not despite of. I have role models who are male and female, "liberal" and "traditionalist", I will work hard to ensure that we all have place in this Church. It is not straight forward, nor is it sometimes easy to explain, but my life (and my calling) has been made better by Christians of all traditions, denominations, and flavours.

But today, in the place I am training to be a Deacon and Priest (God willing) I saw myself at the altar... Or at least what I could be.

Where I train, often there are women at the altar (perhaps even more often than men) however I am usually doing children's church or churchwardening and often I don't have the chance and time to reflect on that.

The Priest behind the altar today is a wonderful catholic woman, someone who has a deep Sacramental understanding, someone who has kept me upright throughout my discernment process, someone who has a similar theology, understanding of the Church, and passion for proclamation of the Gospel in word and deed as my own.

Today I saw myself at the altar, I saw what I am training for, what I am hoping to be. Someone called by God to be a channel of His Grace, to share the Good News, to bring people to Him, to be a walking Sacrament, an outward and visible sign of that glorious, magnificent Grace of God.

I have seen that many times in many people, and again it is not that I haven't benefitted from that, or appreciated their ministry; but to see a young Catholic woman at the altar, to see myself, is just the most wonderful, powerful confirmation that I can do this. I can be this. This thing that I've given my life to is not only attainable but actually terrifyingly and tantalisingly close.

Today I saw myself at the altar, it was truly wonderful, and I hope that the Church can be more diverse, more accepting, and more understanding that for everyone questioning or fostering a vocation, representation truly matters.